Pain. It certainly is a four-lettered word. We have all been squeamish with it and most of us avoid it as best we can, but what if we can look at it from a different angle? What if we looked at all events in life as a page or a chapter of learning? Pain is no different.  It is designed to teach us something – not just us either but, hopefully, those around us as well.

I remember a particular event in my life where I felt like Pandora’s Box had been opened – so many repressed feelings from childhood trauma seemed to be percolating up and out, all at once. People did not understand – even I did not fully understand all the pain I was feeling – but I can tell you that I was glad that it was on its way out.  If not, what  happens to such energy if it is not released?  I think this is where we’d get into some serious health problems.   “When going through hell, keep going.” (Winston Churchill)    Also vital to the process is a support network along the way.

Some people in my life did not understand at all and could not support me.  It makes sense though – it is hard to witness/support another when that person has repressed their own pain and are just were not capable of holding a safe/supportive space for another. “Get over it” and “Just put it behind you” are not supportive thoughts – if the person could, they simply would.  In trying to convey to others, I did find a good analogy…

Deeply painful moments are like putting our hands on a cast iron frying pan that is sitting on top of the large element, set to “high”.  After a few minutes, the pan is very hot and glowing red from so much heat. Imagine one’s hands are on the surface of the pan for about ten seconds – you can imagine what that would create. After peeling one’s hands off of the pan, there’s probably some flailing around, screaming and attempts to soothe them. This kind of pain is no different from intense emotional pain and yet you would never think of telling anyone to “get over it” in a physical situation. There is such a gap between the mental/emotional realm and the physical realm, in terms of public perception. People just need support and tools to ”get over it” or “just put it behind you”.

We have to be okay with letting others move through their pain by acknowledging that everything is a teacher.  The best we can do is affirm our love for that person and be there for him/her while remaining cognizant of our own needs.

Our society seems pretty feeling-challenged. In other words, certain emotions are okay but others are not.  I hardly have to touch on the positive side of the spectrum – there’s not much to say because this is generally pretty pleasant.   We are socialized to keep the ‘negative’ emotions at bay.  How was your sadness or tears met at home? Was this welcomed or did you have to stuff it?

By honouring our feelings, and those of others, we enrich our lives and deepen the wells of compassion, empathy and growth in the world.  I think there’s a good deal of room available to expand on this!